Giovanni Buzi, Amplesso doloroso (2004)


Giovanni Buzi: Free Electron


I should never have met you.
An electrical storm; that's what you were for me.
They talk about “love at first sight”; if this expression hadn’t already existed, they would have invented it for our meeting. Or rather, for the effect our meeting had on me. You hadn’t even realised someone was sitting next to you. Then, sure, you had the impression of a certain something... Your gaze bumped into an average face, a body like many others. I couldn’t have imagined that for you a body was just flesh, a weight, a burden.
You reckon I’m exaggerating?
I don't think so.
For once, let me be the one who doesn’t get hung up on the details. Subtlety never was your strong point; I'm the sensitive one, the artist.
The idiot, in other words.
You are pure instinct, pure bestiality, pure energy.
Or rather: instinct, bestiality, energy – the preceding adjective doesn’t really become you. I admit though that you have the pure beauty and pure vitality of an electron.
A free electron
Impossible to capture you, put you in a box.
I tried.
It didn’t go too well.
What could I do, other than try to hook you up to the orbit of my eternal solitary nucleus?


Why didn't I go to the beach with Graziella that Sunday like I normally did?
Peace, tranquillity...
The beach in Torvaianica, deserted under the faint sun marking the beginning of April. A stroll, restaurant, the usual chatter, the usual yawns hidden behind napkins. My dear friend Graziella, looking much younger than her fifty–five years, is looking for a husband.
– A husband... let’s not get carried away! A friend, a lover, anyone who'll stick it in this.. this darkroom that no–one even looks at anymore!
– You must admit, though, the role of comforter fits you pretty well.
– I can’t stand it anymore! – Graziella almost howls, careful to catch a tear with her napkin. – The Nun of Monza's seen more dicks than me!
– Let’s change the subject – I said, sinking my spoon into my tiramisu.
Why didn't I go to the beach that Sunday with that eternal spinster Graziella ?
I wanted to go to the sauna.


Sometimes I feel like I've been thrown into a rigged pinball machine. Everything planned, manipulated.
I don't know who it wasor what they'd done, the fact is that YOU were there that fucking day, in that that fucking place, sat on that fucking chair, with that fucking beer in your hand and with ... that fucking smile!
I sit down.
No reaction on your part.
But we won't let that get us down, because you were pretty damn gorgeous. Legs open, you had a towel around your waist. Whether it was a whim of the occasion or a piece of mastery on your part, it left one magnificent testicle uncovered, complete with its attached appendage of reproductive apparatus.
You had a half erection... These things happen. But of course it had to be at that very moment I sat down less than twenty centimetres from that power station which is you. Which was you.
I ordered a beer.
“Fuck me, that is one gorgeous pair of eyes! Grey–green to die for!” I didn’t just thinkit; I said it right to your face. No fuss or ceremony. What do you expect, these couple of years of training have given me two or three lines that I keep up my sleeve, to – try – to pick up a bit of beefcake.
You downed your beer, set the glass on the fake marble bar and said:
– Another!
Various drugs, designer clothes, spending and blowing your cash; so many vices, but never a thank you, that wasn’t your style. Never a thank you, please, excuse me, good morning, good night: it never even entered your head. A smile yes, thank you and so on and so forth… not a hope.
– He’s no fool – Graziella remarked when I told her everything.
Maybe you were no fool, but you were a shithead, and pretty pleased with it.
You turned round and said to me:
– Want to fuck?
With a half–smile and all the candour I'm still capable of, I replied:
– Ok.
You repeated:
– Ok.
It was straight into a booth with blood–red walls and a black rubber mattress. You spread your legs, the electric blue towel slipped down revealing your stinger. Erect. Hard.
And boy did you know how to use it!
A chisel, with which you wanted to leave one last Fuck you to the whole of humanity. I don’t know if the whole of humanity got the message... I did.
The next day I was at the doctor's.
– Ruptured anus.
– Ah! – is the first stupid thing that comes out of my mouth. The second – how could this happen?
I should be the one asking you.
– Enormous, hard, hungry. Do I need to be more specific?
Two weeks later he came to live with me. Not the doctor; Elvio, the free electron. They'd thrown him out and he couldn't stand living with too many people, he had his little ways.
Luckily I’ve got two bedrooms. Fucking in my bed wasn't a problem, but sleeping with me, sinking into my arms, closing his eyes and letting me share a little of his dreams… not a hope.
A suitcase was all he had. No furniture, wasn't his thing. It took up space, space he wanted to keep free, open, ready to be crossed, burned... by a bolt of energy, a flash of lightning in a clear sky, a free electron, like he was.
Like he is now.
In three months he'd almost driven me on to the street.
When he realised that my resources were getting thin, one morning he turned around and said:
– A friend’s invited me to go around the world with him. What do you reckon, should I go?
My face covered in shaving foam, I stared at you in the mirror. You allowed me one more night of love. Those were your exact words. I agreed. But that night we played by my rules.
I tied you naked to an armchair.
Beautiful, yes, you were.
Breathtakingly beautiful.
I played around a bit with your metal nipple rings. You looked at me and smiled in that way of yours. Maybe you even felt a little sorry for me. The grey–green of your eyes froze over. I took an electrical cable and fixed a clamp to each piercing.
You didn't understand right away.
An electrician friend had rigged me up a device connected to the switch of the halogen lamp. Playing around with the voltage regulator I could make the current run to the clamps. You laughed:
– Shit, I didn’t think you were so modern!
You liked it, the mild shocks aroused you, excited you. All the stuff you’d tried, this was new. I watched you without love or hatred.
I pushed the switch to the max. Every muscle stiffened, you threw me a phosphorescent gaze and left me without as much as a sigh.
Who knows where you are now, free electron.

(Translated by Fiona Peterson)